Dating After Toxic Relationships
5 lessons to help navigate the dating minefields
As originally published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life on Medium.com.
Image: francescoch on iStock
It’s been almost five years since I got out of the worst romantic toxic relationship I’d ever been in. It lasted six years and left me wanting to die.
Since then my life has changed dramatically — for the better.
I regained my physical health. Recovered my sanity. Restored my soul.
And along the way, I have been navigating dating after toxic relationships. Here’s what I’ve learned so far.
You Will Be TestedHollywood movies still lead us to believe that Prince(ss) Charming is coming to save us. My experience has been quite the opposite.
When I first started dating again, I attracted exactly the same kind of guy I had just escaped from. What’s worse is that it was hard for me to ignore the advances.
The love bombing appealed all over again. And for those who immediately established the upper hand, I felt I had to prove my worthiness.
Of course, today I understand that it was because my vibration was still excessively low, so there was no way I was going to attract anyone other than a narcissist, despite the knowledge about the abuse cycle I had accumulated to date.
But that’s how it works. We’re continuously confronted with the same lessons until we learn them.
I was new to online dating, but it is a great platform to practice immediate No-contact if toxic behaviour arises.
It’s OK To Be SelfishWe all have needs. And not every person has to be the Right one. It’s ok to date for Right Now as long as everyone is clear about what’s happening.
These relationships were an important part of my healing journey. I called all the shots, which gave me time and space to continue my emotional evolution. When I felt ready to invest some emotion into a relationship again, I moved forward to the next.
But these relationships are not for everybody. If you can’t separate sex and love, then they should probably be avoided.
There’s No TimelineFrom time to time, I inevitably wonder if I will ever find the right person for me. At those times, I remind myself that life is always working out for me, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
We are all on our own journey. We all have our own story. We all have our own timeline.
Today, I understand that I am the creator of my reality. That means taking responsibility for everything that currently is — and isn’t.
It means reminding myself of all I have lived. All I have survived. All I have created. And most importantly, of all the power I have to manifest what I desire. Where we place our attention we place our energy. So keep moving forward.
Don’t Waste Your TimeWhen I began online dating, I adopted the “give them a chance” attitude. All that did was waste my time.
Once you know how to spot the red flags, you’ll see that most people show their true colours fairly quickly.
And when people show you who they are, believe them.
These days, I can determine if someone is worth having a coffee with after no more than three messages. If there is a date, it’s to determine if there is any chemistry which also becomes obvious quickly. If there’s none, there’s no second date. Simple as that.
To some, this may sound harsh or too picky. But if this is your reaction, then you are not clear on what YOU want.
It’s so easy to get caught up in the “what could be.” But this approach quickly puts people on a pedestal that have not done anything to warrant being there. And that’s a slippery slope to go down. It’s where I lived all those years in toxic relationships.
Even so, once past the dating stage and into my relationships since then, I have given all the men second chances. And once again, that approach did not serve me.
I now continue to remind myself of “The Best Relationship Advice I Ever Got” and it serves me well.
Be UncompromisingI can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told that what I want is impossible — that we all have to compromise.
I think it’s because of this belief that the vast majority of relationships are unhappy. And so I choose to believe I can have everything — that it is possible.
There are 8 billion people on this planet for crying out loud. Statistically, there has to be one who is right for me.
I’m not saying all compromise is bad. I simply believe we should first be absolutely sure the person is worth compromising for and with. And that takes time. I see so many people already compromising after only one date or two, and it inevitably ends badly.
Secondly, I believe that we should only ever compromise on aspects that don’t impact our core values.
We create our reality. So it’s on us to make it what we want.
…..
In my experience, it’s so important to spend time alone — to learn, to grieve, to process, to heal. But then it’s equally as important to keep dating.
Because we won’t know how much we’ve changed until we discover what/who we are attracting and how we respond to those situations.
And in the process, I’ve come to embrace the fact that it’s good to be selfish until I feel the person warrants more. I don’t have to prove my worthiness to anyone.
Love is not earned. We don’t need to work for it. We don’t need to chase it. We certainly don’t need to beg for it.
Love is an exchange. A relationship is where we give, receive, evolve, and make the best of ourselves together.
Wherever you are on your healing journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.