Toxic Love ‒ How to Start Rising Up After You Hit Rock Bottom
As originally published on Brainz Magazine.
Have your past romantic relationships left you feeling frustrated, disappointed, depleted, confused and even abused? And every time you start a new relationship you believe it will be different — because you desperately want something different. Yet you end up in the same cycle over and over again. Only each time it gets a little worse. And that is actually what is so frustrating.
No matter how committed to finding love you are, there comes a point when disappointment turns to overwhelm because you no longer recognise yourself. Not only has your relationship ended, but the rest of your life seems to be falling apart, too, starting with your health. That’s when the hopelessness sets in, and you realise you’ve just hit rock bottom, and you wonder how the hell you got there. At least, that’s how it was for me after I finally managed to get out of a six-year relationship that felt like an inescapable and never-ending rollercoaster ride. He was my perfect guy — everything I ever wanted. He listened, was eager to learn all about me, showed up, was caring, and so much more. But then the drama began. He lost his job and got kicked out of his apartment. So, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn’t take him in? But I was going through a really tough time, too, having just lost my brother, and I really needed my space. And yet, I put his needs before mine. That trend continued for the next six years, as his highs and lows became more and more extravagant. Every few months, he was ‘dying’ again with some ailment and insisted on a hospital visit every time. He went on a business trip and came back with a story that he was held up at an armed robbery at the local supermarket. The list is long. He knew exactly how to tap into my fear of losing someone I loved again, and so continued to string me along with nothing but lies and broken promises. Here’s the thing about rollercoasters — the sense of danger sends your body into fight or flight mode, thereby flooding your system with adrenaline and other hormones. And that is the same thing that happens when you are in a toxic relationship. In the case of an actual rollercoaster, the ride ends, and your body will calm down after about 20-30 minutes. However, in the case of a toxic relationship, the drama and insecurity never end, and so your body is constantly thrown back into fight or flight mode. When this happens, it can lead to disruptions in essential skills like learning and self-soothing. Not only that but when the body cannot handle emotional overload, it simply begins to shut down. In my case, it started with a seizure. And it spiralled from there. A herniated disc, brain fog, and chronic fatigue were just a few of the physical manifestations that resulted from one of my relationships. With each relationship, my ailments tally increased — on an emotional, mental, and physical level. So, the obvious question to ask is, “Why does this keep happening?” Why do you end up with toxic people each time who just take and take but give very little or nothing in return? And why do you keep sacrificing your well-being and health?
If you’re not open to the idea that the answers you seek lie within you and not with the people you date, you are going to struggle like I did - for years. I spent my life in unhealthy relationships, thinking I had a high sense of self-respect and self-worth. It wasn’t until I was finally brave enough to acknowledge that my life, and therefore my choices, did not reflect this at all.
You see the mind will always lead you to what is familiar. Did you know that your subconscious mind is responsible for 95 per cent of your life? Habits reside within your subconscious mind. So, when you keep ending up in toxic relationships, your mind is merely leading you to what it knows.
As noted earlier, rock bottom often only comes once you are out of the relationship, because that’s when reality really starts to sink in. However, as devastating as hitting rock bottom is, there is one good element to it. Once you’re there, and if you can endure it, the only place to go is up. And for better or worse, it often takes hitting rock bottom in order to spark change for the better.
In order to ensure that the destructive patterns don’t repeat, it’s important to change what is familiar to your mind, and here are three ways to start doing just that.
1. Speak to yourself as if you were your best friend.
The mind responds to the words you tell it and the pictures you paint for it. So, the words you tell yourself are one of the most powerful tools when it comes to influencing what your mind is familiar with. This task of speaking only kind words to yourself can feel difficult if you have never done it before. That’s why reframing it as if you were speaking to your best friend can help facilitate this self-care practice.
2. Write down three things (or many more!) you love about yourself on sticky notes and stick them all over your home.
This addresses the second thing the mind responds to — the pictures you paint for it. The goal is to show your mind how great you are. You don’t have to actively look at the sticky notes all day. Simply having them all around your home is enough for your subconscious to onboard those messages of self-love.
3. Get clarity on your values.
Your values define you, what matters to you, and what’s important to you. They help you increase your self-worth because they determine what you will accept or tolerate — and what you will not. They determine the boundaries you set or don’t. They (should) determine your priorities, and, subconsciously, they're probably how you measure if your life is turning out the way you want it to. You may think you are clear on yours, but if you were, you probably would not be reading this article. 😉
If you can commit to the above three tasks, you will see positive change happen in your life almost immediately.
Have you recently broken free from a toxic relationship and are finding yourself at rock bottom and looking for support? I invite you to check out my eight-week group program designed to identify the root cause of your unhealthy patterns and then heal on an emotional, mental, and physical level so that you can finally start living the life you were born to lead. Gain clarity, reform your beliefs about yourself, transform the relationship you have with yourself, and elevate your life. Learn more about it here.
