What To Do When Life Goes South
When everything seems hopeless, remember you are not helpless.
As originally published in Small Steps on Medium.com.
Photo credit: francescoch on iStock
It’s probably fair to say we’ve all been there at some point or another.
The first 38 years of my life felt like a never-ending roller coaster. But of those, the latter 10 years felt more like that roller coaster was on a one-way track into the abyss.
Here’s a quick summary of those latter 10 years.
The closest person in the world to me, my brother, died. I got dragged through the courts for six years. My employer asked me to leave because they were not prepared to grant me more time off. I was unemployed for an uncomfortable while.
I was in a terribly toxic relationship for 6 years. My health kept declining — I had a seizure, back surgery, and chronic fatigue, just to name a few. My grandmother died. My mother died.
I was told the day before my wedding that the groom wasn’t coming. I was in a toxic work environment. And I was betrayed by people I’d known for most of my life.
I definitely felt like life was going/had gone south.
I was exhausted and felt bitter, disappointed, frustrated and angry. Most of all I felt hopeless.
Looking back, some of those things were out of my control. No matter what, I could not have changed what came to be.
But some of those things were within my control. I simply wasn’t seeing the situations for what they really were.
It was a journey to understand all that — to see situations for what they really are — and that is something I now help others do through my 8-week Make Your Body Your Boss program.
But, at that time, I also realised I needed to change course. I couldn’t handle the roller coaster anymore. It was making me too ill, on every level. I needed to get rid of the drama, chaos and permanent anxiety and replace them with calmness, clarity and harmony.
Simply put, I needed to get better at life.
So to stop things from further going south, I needed to identify and understand my true north. Because if I didn’t know where I was going, I was bound to get lost a lot more often along the way again.
And that’s what I did. 🧭
And it remains a key component for me to continuously get better at life.
I’m a work in progress and that’s OK because it’s about progress, not perfection.
But today, at 42, I have a home I love, uplifting friendships I cherish, a partner I value (and who values me equally), an amazing dog who ensures I stay fit and healthy, a business that is helping me grow whilst serving others, a self-awareness I honour, and I’m riding again which makes me feel empowered and free.
Here’s what that difference looks like from the outside.
Photo credit: Veronica Weedon
So how did I find and align my true north? For me, there were two main components to this.
1. Finding my purposeI struggled with this for most of my life. Then, through my Rapid Transformation Therapy (RTT) training, I came across a surprisingly simple way of figuring it out. Here’s how it works:
Think back to when you were between the ages of 7–14. Why the ages of 7–14? Because at that age we inherently know what our heart’s desire is. What did you love doing at that age? How did those things make you feel? What were your dreams at that time?
Try not to overthink this or get stuck in too many details. Remember, this is not about figuring out how you are going to fulfil your purpose, it’s simply about identifying it.
For example, if you most loved to spend every free moment running around the forest and climbing trees as a kid, perhaps your purpose is to help protect nature. There are many ways you could do this (go into forestry, work on policy, become a sustainability expert, etc), but your purpose is to help protect nature.
In my case, I loved sports and the psychology behind them, so health would be part of my purpose. At 13, I also knew I wanted to become the sports captain of multiple teams. I did and also ended up in other leadership roles in school. That’s when I discovered I loved helping others reach their full potential. Another key. Finally, I loved public speaking — being able to communicate to, educate and influence large numbers of people. Key number three.
To summarize, I figured out that my purpose was to share my learnings, educate and influence as many people as possible in order to help them reach their potential in life through health on an emotional, mental and physical level.
2. Aligning my purposeKnowing my purpose was one thing, but how could I make sure I wouldn’t get veered off course again like I had for so much of my life? The answer for me lay in becoming crystal clear on my core values.
To me, values act as a compass that makes navigating life a little easier. We tend to be happier, more fulfilled, and less overwhelmed in difficult situations when we know our values and live in line with them.
When we are unhappy in life, it’s a very good indication that we are living out of alignment with our values.
I used to think I knew my values, and that I was living in alignment with them, but what came to light was that I was on a one-way street only. Let me explain.
Respect was always very important to me. My behaviour reflected this — I respected other people. But other people weren’t respecting me, and whilst I cannot control other people’s behaviour, I can control how I respond to it. But I didn’t. I never set boundaries. I never walked away. And in not doing so, I was very much living OUT of alignment with one of my core values.
Values are the things we consider to be important in life. Values are our heart’s deepest desires for the way we want to interact with the world, other people, and ourselves. And when we stand for nothing, we fall for everything.
Clarity on my core values helps me know to invest my time and effort so that I can be the kind of person I want to be — living my purpose.
One step at a timeIn conclusion, if you feel like life is going south, and you can’t find your north, try the two steps above and see what happens.
I definitely didn’t always see it this way, but today I look at life as one big experiment. I still don’t like falling on my face — I mean honestly, who does?! — but I’m much better at finding meaning and lessons in my failures, and faster at course correcting.
Everybody has their own path to walk, but wherever you are on your journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
