5 Ways To Release Shame & Feel Empowered
This month my focus is on toxic relationships and things that come along with those. Shame is one of those things, albeit not an obvious one — at least not at first glance.
When we get caught in the web that is a toxic relationship, we often feel like a victim of our circumstances — and we are. Understand that what narcissists do to you is not your fault. But it is your responsibility to do something about it. And that’s why it’s important to address the issue of shame.
Just like a spider's web, the narcissist's web is sticky, making it very difficult for you to get out, or near impossible, the further in you get. And the further in you get (the longer you stay), the more your shame increases, although you may not be consciously aware of it at the time.
Shame typically comes up when you look inward with a critical eye and evaluate yourself harshly, often for things you have little control over. But when you are in the relationship, then you are mostly looking outward — at all the things making you unhappy. Ironically, however, it is the shame we feel that is a major contributor to us remaining stuck in unhealthy relationships.
Narcissists select empaths as their primary targets/victims. And as empaths, we feel the need to fix things, or give everything of ourselves to make life better for others.
In one of my toxic relationships, I spent six years with a man who took so much pleasure in my suffering. He would gaslight me, humiliate me, abandon me, belittle me, and so much more, but I was trauma-bonded to him and his abuse cycle. I had no idea what was actually going on and knew nothing about narcissistic abuse and how it worked, so I just kept telling myself that things would get better – that they had to. At the beginning of the relationship, he was the perfect man for me (this is how narcissists get you hooked – by becoming ‘your’ perfect person). I had met my match.
Only I hadn’t. And he wasn’t. Yet I spent the next six years trying to ‘get back’ to the beginning, always thinking ‘there must be something I can do’. I always brought it back to me. I must have done something wrong. I can be more supportive. I can be better. The more time passed, the worse it got. At the same time, I felt more invested than ever, thinking ‘This could not all be for nothing — it has to work out’.
But, of course, things didn’t work out. Because they never could. They kept getting worse. And the worse they got, the more I found myself pulling back from society — and especially from friends and family. I made excuses for him, and for myself. I was unable to be honest about what was really going on – mostly to myself. And that is where shame hides, but ultimately rears its ugly head. I was embarrassed. How could all this be happening to me? I’m smart, competent, and have a lot going for me, so how?
Our negative self-evaluation often has its roots in messages we’ve received from others, especially during childhood. When parents or teachers criticised us, as opposed to any poor behaviour choices we may have made, they planted the seed of shame. For example, you may have been told: “You’re so lazy, that’s why you’re getting fat.” What you should have been told was: “Let’s go for a walk together outside and get some fresh air.” Another example would be: “That school is only for smart kids” instead of “I support your dream of going to that school — how can I help?”
Shame centres around our very identity as a person, and it becomes particularly toxic when it starts to impact our sense of self. It prompts negative thoughts, and negative self-talk, and can lead to more self-destructive behaviour — all of which a narcissist exploits and thrives upon.
Many empaths unfortunately experienced a narcissistic parent growing up — that’s why they became an empath in the first place, to try to please a parent. Yet disapproval and disappointment that focus not on actions, but aspects of the self, can make you feel painfully vulnerable, inadequate, or even unworthy of love or positive attention. As humans, we are continuously drawn to what is familiar, and so it is not surprising that empaths end up with narcissistic partners in adulthood.
So how do we break that cycle, once and for all? How do we release the shame and begin to feel empowered instead? Here are 5 steps to do just that:
1. Challenge and reframe negative internal messages
The first step is to recognise and acknowledge your shame. It’s there, and that is perfectly OK. Remember, it is not your fault. And you have the power to change. Write down things you think and/or tell yourself often such as:
I’m not good enough.
I don’t deserve to be happy.
I’ll never find someone else – I’m too old; not pretty enough; etc.
Then look at these phrases and ask yourself objectively: “Is this true?” If you struggle to do that, imagine you were talking to your best friend. If your best friend had these thoughts, what answer would you give him/her? The truth is, these beliefs are not an accurate representation of reality, and deep down you know this to be true.
Once you have recognised that these beliefs are not actually true, start reframing them with self-compassion through a simple four-step framework, coined RAIN by Tara Brach, Ph.D, psychologist, author and teacher of meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening. Each moment you have a negative thought:
Recognise the thought. “That is one way of seeing things.”
Acknowledge that you have this thought. “My feelings are valid.”
Identify the true origins of the thought. “My parents always made me feel worthless when I didn’t meet their expectations.”
Nurture yourself. Self parent. Close your eyes and go back to your childhood, to the moment you first felt this way. Then ask yourself what you would have wanted to hear from your parents at the time. Then tell yourself those words. Your adult self is your new parent for your yet-to-be-healed childhood wounds.
2. Own your story
Owning your story can be difficult, but in order to release your shame and move towards an empowered life, you have to be willing to take responsibility for yourself and your circumstances. Remember it is not your fault. You are lovable. You are worthy. And it’s about progress, not perfection.
3. Treat yourself with kindness and allow yourself to be vulnerable
Like other kinds of love, self-love doesn’t happen overnight. You have to nurture it before it can flourish. Exploring positive traits about yourself, or personal values you consider important, can help you practice strengthening self-worth.
Take a look at a recent blog I wrote entitled “Why the Most Important Relationship You Will Ever Have Is the One With Yourself” for tips on shifting your relationship with yourself right away. You can also download my free 3-Week Challenge to a Better Relationship With Yourself to take things a step further.
You are an empath, so show this empathy to yourself. If that is too difficult at first, as in point one above, imagine you are your best friend, and treat yourself the way you would your best friend.
The ego wants to protect you from the pain of shame, but being vulnerable is part of feeling connected. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. When we’re willing to risk being vulnerable and fully human, we open ourselves up to beautiful and meaningful relationships and move away from one-sided, toxic relationships.
4. Eliminate the word “should”
When it comes to shame, there are generally two consistent themes. First, you conclude that the problem is you, rather than something you’ve done and, second, you use the word “should” a lot.
Guilt and shame often appear in similar contexts, but there is a big difference between the two. Guilt is associated with an action taken and its consequences, whereas shame centers around feelings toward oneself. Brené Brown, professor, lecturer, author, and podcast host, puts it simply, it’s the difference between thinking, “That thing I did was bad” and “I am bad.”
So, forget the “I should have” — you cannot change the past. Forget the “I should” — wherever you are on your journey is OK. Just do your best. Whatever that is, it’s enough. One step at a time. One day at a time. Just keep moving forward.
5. Seek out supportive relationships
No (wo)man is an island. And especially after toxic relationships, we need support more than ever. However, don’t be surprised if your friends are not the ones to do so. Unless someone has been through a toxic relationship, it is very difficult for them to understand the severity of it and its detrimental effects. Unfortunately, they are likely to even add to your shame through ignorant comments like “How could you let this happen?”; “Didn’t you see what was going on?”; or “I didn’t like that person from the beginning.”
If you struggle to meet new people, especially in today’s restrictive environment, there are countless online groups through which you can connect with like-minded people. They may share a similar story, or share your values. Either way, surround yourself with people who actually want what’s best for you. I’ve met some wonderful people online over the past couple of years. I have since travelled with some of them and can honestly say they’re some of the closest people to me today.
Confronting shame might feel impossible, but you don’t have to do it alone. When you feel ready to heal (and there’s no time like the present), I’m here to help you take the first steps.
