Time Heals Everything – Or Does It?
How many times have you heard this phrase? Probably more times than you can count, am I right? (I know that’s the case for me!). Many of you probably believe these yourselves, too. But the older I get, the more it pisses me off. I realise that may sound harsh, but I have come to realise that time does nothing at all. Time is just time – and it’s relative. The only thing that can actually heal a wound you have is YOU.
The phrase “time heals everything” almost always follows some tragic event. If you have ever lost a loved one, you probably had a consoling person say this to you. Or if you have ever been through a bad break-up, or were in a toxic relationship and managed to get out of it, you likely heard this phrase – or something close to it.
Of course, everyone always means well when they say it – a comforting notion in a time of sorrow. However, I have found that most people simply don’t know what to say in times of tragedy, and simply revert to something common and familiar. And so, their go-to is, “Time heals everything…”
If you stop to think about it, the fact that so many people feel uncomfortable and lost at the prospect of speaking about death is not only strange but pretty ridiculous. Death is the most common thing humanity has. We all will lose loved ones at some point in time. And we ourselves will also die. This is a guarantee. It’s as certain as needing air to breathe. So why is it such a difficult topic for us? Why do we tip-toe around it? Perhaps if everyone learned to embrace the topic with more ease, and we spoke more openly about it with each other (and more frequently!), then people would fear it less. And if we could fear death less, would we not be able to live more freely?
I know quite a bit about death. I lost a dear cousin of mine when I was 23. I’ve lost all my grandparents, my mother – but the hardest, by far, was the loss of my brother. Losing him felt like losing part of myself. He was my best friend, confidant, and all around the best person I’ve ever known. I felt many emotions following his death, but most of all, I felt alone. It felt as if everyone around me scattered like leaves in the wind. I quickly realised that most people simply ignore what they fear, and/or what is unfamiliar to them, and death is one of those things.
External support in times of hardship is certainly essential – no woman or man is an island rings true, for sure. However, the wounds left after loss, can only be tended to by you. Grief is an emotion that will eat you alive if it is not dealt with.
This brings me to the next common phrase: “I/You need to be strong (for somebody else).” I have been told this so many times, and it makes me absolutely crazy! In fact, it’s a form of shaming. Again, I know people mean well when they say it, but it is very ignorant in reality. The truth is – you don’t have to be anything at all. Whatever you feel, whatever you need, is valid and real.
Everybody will experience grief differently. Dealing with it is what so many don’t do, and sooner or later it manifests physically, emotionally, or both. Time does not heal. Time conceals. Only you can do the healing work. And this applies to grief in all forms – not just in relation to death. Grief stems from loss. And loss can be the loss of a loved one; loss of a relationship; loss of the idea of ever having children; loss of a job; and so on.
So, if you are currently grieving, and feel alone, here are three things that might help start your healing process:
1. Maintain sleep and a healthy diet
Grief can rob you of your appetite as well as much-needed sleep, as the emotional pain of loss can start to affect you in physical ways. Try your best to keep a good sleep routine. If that turns out to be impossible, then at least take naps during the day. Eating a balanced diet is also critical. All too often it’s too easy to head toward junk food, also known as comfort food, but that, in fact, will not serve you at all. Processed, sugar-filled foods will make getting a good night's sleep even harder, and rob you of what’s left of your energy, too.
2. Take time out for enjoyment
Whatever it is that you normally like to do, whether that be sports, walking in nature, arts and crafts, etc., do your best to continue to do those things. In grief, you can often feel hopeless, so turning to activities that bring you joy, no matter how small, will positively support your grieving process. And remember, whenever you feel hopeless, you are not helpless.
3. Write it down
Grief can trigger so many mixed emotions – anger, frustration, despair, the list goes on. It may sound trivial, but writing down whatever it is you are feeling helps process these feelings, whether consciously or subconsciously. It is a healthy way of expressing yourself – no filter required. And whatever you are feeling – it is OK.
In closing, if you happen to know someone who has recently lost a loved one and might be struggling, reach out to them. All you need to do is let them know you are there for them, and ask them what they need. Take it from someone who has lost many individuals and aspects of their life – ignoring it is actually what hurts the most. I’ve heard so many people say: “I did not want to talk about them (your loved one) because it would make you sad.” But actually, it’s the opposite, at least that has always been the case for me.
When we lose someone so near and dear to our hearts, we want to remember them. And we want others to remember them. Life ends, but love doesn’t. Knowing others are thinking of them too is a beautiful form of consolation. So, if you have a friend who has recently lost a loved one, then speak of their loved one. Remember them. You can even take it a step further and send a note on the anniversary of the death. It’s a day that is burnt into your friend’s heart, and knowing someone else remembers, too, is worth gold.
