Why the Most Important Relationship You Will Ever Have Is the One With Yourself
Life is like a rollercoaster - a popular and true expression. Yet what isn’t always clear is just how brutal it can be. My life has definitely been full of very unexpected twists and turns, and thrown me for a loop over and over again. There were many moments in which I questioned everything that ever was and moments when I thought I could not handle any more of the ups and downs and only wanted to get off the ride. And yet I did not. I chose to stay. And that was the first time I truly knew my own strength, courage and sheer determination.
When people speak about relationships it is usually about relationships with other people. Mostly relationships with a partner are referred to, but also those with family, friends, bosses, coworkers, etc. These, of course, are necessary, and learning how to effectively form, embrace, and navigate them is essential. However, I would argue that before you can forge a healthy relationship with someone else, you must become a master of the one with yourself. And that is where the struggle often begins.
When we first enter this world, we are all born full of self-worth. A baby believes it is the centre of the universe and that all its needs will be met. It cries, it gets food and attention. It does pretty much anything at all and it gets praised for how brilliant it is. A baby knows no guilt or shame. It does not feel bad when it screams in the middle of the night to wake you up for food, nor does it feel embarrassed when it poops extraordinary amounts. It simply expects you to clean up its mess. Guilt and shame are learned. They are imprinted on our blank slate over time. As children, we become sponges that absorb everything we experience or observe around us.
Our environments shape our beliefs. Beliefs about everything - health, wealth, and most importantly, self-worth. For better or worse, the beliefs of those around us are imparted upon us. If you grew up in a household where your parents worked all the time but constantly struggled financially and said things like “We can’t afford that,” “Don’t be greedy,” “How dare you spend my hard-earned money,” then you will likely inherit a belief that wealth is not only inaccessible for you but that you are not worthy of it. These beliefs are then amplified or influenced by our experiences as children. Unfortunately, many of us experience bullying, discrimination, abuse, etc., in childhood - all of which continue to erode our sense of self-worth. We are then also taught not to express our emotions. How many times were you told to “stop crying,” “stop complaining,” or to “just get on with it”? The thing is, wounds are not lost. They are embodied.
I unknowingly held onto beliefs about myself that were not true for far too long. One such belief was that everything must always be difficult. I was taught to always work hard; that nothing comes without hard work. I know my parents thought they were teaching me about the value of things, and not to take things for granted (which of course are important lessons), but what actually happened was that this instilled a belief in me that everything always has to be hard. If it is not, something is not right, and I certainly do not deserve “it”, whatever “it” was (success, money, etc).
Now of course there is nothing wrong with working hard, especially if you enjoy it, but I no longer believe that everything in life has to be so hard. In fact, today I believe the opposite. If something is too hard and only causes you pain, it is probably wrong for you.
Another subconscious belief of mine was that quitting is never an option. As a child, I was never allowed to quit anything. Once you start something, you finish it - that was always the lesson, even if that “something” was not my choice to begin with. When I was five years old, my parents decided to send me to ballet lessons. My father took me to observe a class. I had never been so bored in my life and didn’t understand what in the world I was doing there. I just wanted to be outside running around. At the end of the class, my Dad asked me what I thought. I told him I had no interest, but that didn’t seem to hold any value, and he proceeded to sign me up for classes. I didn’t understand why and asked if I could go to judo with my brother instead. The answer, of course, was no - judo was for boys, and ballet was for girls.
Every week for the next seven years I was miserable in ballet class, but no matter how much I complained I was not allowed to quit. I know my parents meant well, but this taught me that my feelings did not matter and that no matter how unhappy I was, I was not allowed to leave. I felt like I should keep my mouth shut and do as I was told because someone else always knows better. Now some people will read this and think - ‘what an ungrateful child, how spoiled and privileged she was to have such an opportunity.’ Other adults told me this when they heard me complain as a child, too. Indeed, I was privileged in many ways; however, being forced into ballet classes was not one of them. Others making such comments only project their own issues in an attempt (and often successfully to a child) to instil guilt and shame in others.
We carry these beliefs, often subconsciously, about ourselves and life with us into adulthood, which is why so many people end up in unhealthy relationships, whether that be at work, with a partner, friendships, or other relations. I ended up in so many unhealthy relationships, and ultimately in a dangerously narcissistic and abusive romantic relationship that I simply believed I could not walk away from, and then became so ill that I physically could not leave. Everything about it was hard. I was miserable and it was killing me, slowly but surely, yet I felt I was unable to “quit”. Somehow I felt all the drama must be my fault (because everything must always be hard) - that I constantly had to fix the situation (because I was always wrong) - and that I simply did not deserve to be happy (because my feelings didn’t matter).
We look for external validation. We seek others to fulfil our unmet needs that linger from childhood. The thing is, it is not only impossible for someone else to heal your wounds, the mere fact that you still have these beliefs about yourself is completely nonsensical. Our childhood is but a fraction of our life. Once we are no longer dependent on our caregivers, we become free to truly make our own choices. So why don’t we make new choices about what to believe?
Humans are hardwired to avoid change. Go back to the beginning of humanity, and the only way to survive was to stay in a community. Being different or independent meant assured death. But this no longer applies today. The world has evolved, and we need to as well. If a belief no longer serves you, let it go. Easier said than done, right? Of course, it is. But it can be done.
Remember it is not your fault what happened to you as a child, nor can you change that. But your life today is your responsibility, and you do have the power to change it. It has taken me 40 years to get to a point where I was able to rewire my own system and beliefs about myself. But trust me when I say that it is liberating and life-altering. When you finally believe that you can create the life you want, and more importantly that you are worthy of it, you will see a shift occur that brings with it not only health in every aspect of life but also peace.
Your relationship with yourself is your true north - your core. If this is not rock solid, it will be far too easy for others and outside forces to pull you in 100 different directions, none of which will be your choices or with your best interests at heart. For you to have the life you want, you need to understand who you truly are - what do you believe about yourself? These beliefs must be your own, not leftovers from another time and/or other people’s beliefs about you or themselves. Only you can create the life of your dreams. Only you can heal old (and new) wounds. And only you can be your true anchor.
Your mind is wired to create the reality it thinks you want, so pay close attention to your thoughts. They matter. You matter. And you are worthy. Not tomorrow, but today. Now.
If you are ready for a shift in your life, contact me. Let’s talk about where you are, where you’d like to be, and how you can get there. But for starters, here are three ways you can work toward shifting your relationship with yourself today:
1. Think about what your current beliefs about yourself are, and where they came from.
I mean really think about it. What do you truly believe about yourself and why? Where do these beliefs come from? Did they come from something your parents said/did? Was it something a teacher once told you? Was it a particular event that shaped your belief? When were these beliefs formed? Was it in early childhood or something that occurred later in life? Understanding the origin of your beliefs is key.
2. Ask yourself if you still need these beliefs.
This task might seem simple, but actually it requires you to look deep within yourself. Really ask yourself why you still have these limiting beliefs about yourself. What do you need them for? Why have you chosen to hold on to these beliefs? More often than not they originated because of someone else’s opinion, which stemmed from their own limiting beliefs. So, do you really believe this is your burden to continue carrying? Are you/can you be ready to let your limiting beliefs about yourself go?
3. Write down 3 statements of truth about yourself.
Remember the mind only works in the present, not the future or the past, so the statements must be written in the present tense. Examples could be: “I am lovable,” “I am enough,” “I am abundant,” “I am beautiful,” “I am worthy of love,” - you get the idea. It does not matter if you actually believe these things about yourself yet. The statements are, in fact, true and the exercise is to get your mind to adopt new beliefs about yourself. The mind also learns by repetition, so take your three statements of truth and stick them all over your home so that you see them every day. Each time you do see one, say it out loud to yourself.
You can do this, and I’m here for you if you need support!
