Why We Feel Like We Are Not Enough
A deep dive into the root cause of so many of our problems
As originally published in Illumination on Medium.com.
Image: francescoch on iStock
Addictions, co-dependency, self-sabotage, chronic physical conditions — the list is long of problems so many of us struggle with. Yet through my personal experiences and self-development, further education, my training as an RTT hypnotherapist, and my work with clients it has become clear to me that what we perceive as problems are in reality symptoms of an underlying emotional issue — the belief that we are not enough. This article explores this notion and suggests ways to upgrade our beliefs about ourselves.
The Premise95% of who we are is a set of memorised behaviours, emotional reactions, beliefs, perceptions, and attitudes that function like a subconscious computer program below our conscious awareness.
Every habit of action is run by a habit of thought.
— Marisa Peer
Let’s put this into context. We don’t think about how to walk; our body just does it. We don’t think about how to brush our teeth; we just do it. We don’t think about how to read; we just do it. But at one stage early in life, all of these tasks seemed like almost insurmountable challenges.
We’re essentially moving through life unconsciously the majority of the time. And this applies to how we think, feel and behave.
Our thoughts lead to our feelings. Our feelings lead to our behaviour. Our behaviour reinforces our thoughts. It’s a cycle on autopilot.
Image: Revival Health GmbH
For example, you’re about to go in for a job interview and think you’re going to mess it up because you aren’t sure you’re worthy of a better job. This is the thought and belief.
As a result, you start to sweat, your heart starts to race, and you may feel light-headed. This is the feeling.
By the time the interview begins, you’re a hot mess and draw a blank at half the questions the interviewer is firing at you. After the interview, you tell everyone, “See, I knew I’d mess it up.” This is the behaviour.
This behaviour reinforces your thought and belief that you are rubbish at interviews and don’t deserve a better job. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What is expected tends to be realised.
Our personality is a result of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. And whether we like it or not, this creates our everyday reality.
Your personality becomes your personal reality.
Dr. Joe Dispenza
Therefore, if life isn’t working out quite the way we would like, the logical question to then ask is: “What is the underlying thought and belief that is driving my destructive behaviour?”
The BeliefThe thought and belief of “I am not enough” lies at the heart of so many of our problems.
When we feel like we are not enough, we want and need “more” from something or someone else. This leads to addictions.
In the case of binge eating, food represents the ‘more’.
In the case of alcoholism, alcohol represents the ‘more’.
In the case of co-dependency, the other person, often a toxic partner, represents the ‘more’.
When we feel like we are not enough, we self-sabotage, because we don’t believe we deserve better.
Epigenetics tells us that any physical condition is based on an emotional root cause.
Epigenetics is the study of how your behaviours and environment can cause changes that affect the way your genes work.
— CDC (Centers for Disease Control & Prevention)
Our psychology affects our physiology and vice versa.
Louise Hay, best-selling author and speaker, has written about the mind-body connection extensively.
Here are some examples from her book “You Can Heal Your Life”:
Image: Revival Health GmbH — using information from Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” book
Do you see how the probable cause corresponds to the problem?
If you think and believe you are unworthy of taking up space in this world, your lungs reflect this in the form of an inability to take in enough air.
“Our thoughts and beliefs are like a switch that turns our genes on or off.”
— Dr. Bruce Lipton
All of these negative beliefs ultimately lead back to feeling and believing we are not enough.
Using the example above, the first question might be: “Why do you feel unworthy of taking up space in this world?”
A: “Because I feel invisible.”
Q: “Why do you feel invisible?”
A: “Because my efforts go unnoticed all the time.”
Q: “And how does that make you feel?”
A: “It makes me feel like nobody cares about me.”
Q: “And if nobody cares about you, what must that mean about you?”
A: “That I’m not worth caring about. That I’m unlovable.”
Q: “And how does that make you feel?”
A: “It makes me feel like I’m not enough.”
There are an unlimited number of answers that could arise, but in almost all cases, all roads lead back to not enoughness.
I challenge you to ask yourself this question about any long-term emotional, physical or behavioural issue you have. If you sit with the question long enough, you may just have an “aha” moment.
So, if almost everything comes back to feeling like we’re not enough, the logical question to then ask is: “Where does this belief come from?”
The OriginDeep-seated beliefs we hold about ourselves almost always originate in childhood. The reason for this is that young children do not possess logic, only emotion.
In a recent Dr. Joe Dispenza seminar I learned that for the first six years of life, all the attention is on our inner world because that’s where the brainwave patterns are (delta and theta).
It isn’t until children are in the imaginary world (alpha), between the ages of 6–9, that the analytical mind develops, and a filter is created between the conscious and subconscious mind.
Image: Revival Health GmbH — adapted from Dr. Joe Dispenza’s work
Until the age of six, a child is completely in its subconscious mind. All information coming in is coming in unencoded because it has no analytical facilities to be able to process it. So, whatever the child hears, it takes as reality. In turn, we develop unhealthy coping behaviours as a survival mechanism.
To give this more context, when we are young, we need our parents or caretakers to love and care for us — our very survival depends on it. A baby or young child cannot feed, clothe, care, protect, or financially support itself, let alone effectively navigate the world around it.
Therefore, when some or all of our basic needs of food, shelter, safety, love, and care are not met early on in life, we develop beliefs about ourselves. These might include beliefs such as “it’s my fault,” “I’m unworthy of love,” and above all else “I am not enough”.
Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist, theorised back in the 1940s that human beings have basic needs — physiological, safety, belonging and love, and esteem — without which psychological health will be deficient.
Image: Revival Health GmbH graphic based on Maslow’s Motivation Model
The tragic yet harsh reality is that most people don’t get at least some of these basic needs met as a child and because of it, we feel different from others. We assume all others have their basic needs met, but feel that we need to somehow get, or earn them. This in itself makes us feel “less than”.
And this belief results in corresponding behaviours.
If we do not naturally get love and care, we take on one of four roles — the sick, the overachiever, the carer, or the rebel. We do this to get, or earn, our parents’ love and care.
Marisa Peer
If we get sick, we may get attention and hugs. If we achieve great things, we may get praise and recognition. If we care for others, we may get appreciation and care in return. If we rebel, we may get attention and time.
These behaviours may be necessary as a child, but by the time we reach our teenage years and adulthood, they are part of our subconscious operating system. Our survival no longer depends on them, yet it is all we’ve ever known. And so the negative emotions that are trapped begin to fester from within.
From our teenage years onwards, most of our time is spent in beta brainwaves. Beta is our conscious awareness of our external world. We become more and more detached from our emotions. And our learned behaviour manifests addiction, co-dependency, self-sabotage, chronic physical conditions, and more.
I have moved through all the roles in my life, starting with rebel, then overachiever, then carer, and finally I became very ill. Of course, none of them were conscious choices, but they all happened. And as with most people, none of those years or experiences led me to believe I was enough. I subconsciously remained dependent on external validation — until it almost killed me.
So, finally, I asked myself the following question: “Do you want to live or die? And if you want to live, how can YOU change?”
The UpgradeAwareness is the first step towards transformation.
Every issue has a role, function, purpose and intention. And, in my experience, the most important revelation of all is that it’s always about us. It’s never about someone or something else.
If we want a different life, WE have to change.
It means looking inward for answers instead of outward. It means taking responsibility, and no longer outsourcing our health, happiness and success.
Responsibility = an ability to respond.
It means setting our egos aside so we may return to our true selves.
And most importantly, it means letting go.
Living through our thoughts and emotions of the past makes our future predictable. We cannot go to a new future whilst holding on to the emotions of the past.
I must be willing to give up what I am in order to become what I will be.
— Albert Einstein
I deep dive into ‘letting go’ in my article “Release, Renew, Revive: A Practical Approach to Letting Go.”
Letting go requires us to release the need to know HOW and WHEN our desired future will manifest. If we knew, then by default our future would be predictable, and then in effect, nothing would change.
We must teach ourselves to think new thoughts and feel new emotions — thoughts and emotions that are in alignment with the future we want.
Let’s go back to mind-body connections noted earlier in this article. For every emotional probable cause, there is a corresponding new thought pattern.
Image: Revival Health GmbH — using information from Louise Hay’s “You Can Heal Your Life” book
Only we must think and feel this way NOW, as if we are already living the life we desire.
We control the WHY, but the unknown controls the HOW and WHEN.
And therein lies our challenge — to believe through the discomfort of not knowing.
Believe. Behave. Become.
I wrote in detail about this in “Quite Possibly the Only Knowledge You Need To Change Your Life.”
New thoughts and new emotions raise our energetic vibration, and ultimately the law of attraction must apply. It’s physics.
…..
Since hitting rock bottom four years ago I have changed.
It’s been slow. It’s been hard. It’s been painful. It’s been eye-opening.
It has allowed me to be who and where I am today. Healthier, happier, wiser, peaceful.
Chaos has turned to calm. Drama transformed into steadfastness. Dreams manifesting into reality.
And along the way, I realised that it was far less about who I wanted to become, and far more about who I no longer wanted to be.
This is part of embracing the unknown — which is exactly what allows us to have a future that is different from our past.
And so I continue to do the work. I continue to change. I continue to evolve.
For the love of myself. Because I finally know that I am enough.
