The Cost of Caring Too Much
Why boundary setting is one of the most important skills we need
As originally published in “Heart Affairs” on Medium.com.
Photo by francescoch on iStock
Why are so many people in the world unhappy when there is more abundance today than ever before in human history? We are stressed out from work; overwhelmed with the kids at home; and constantly anxious because there never seem to be enough hours in the day to get things done. I would argue that it’s because most of us don’t know how to set healthy boundaries.
Why is boundary setting so hard?If you’re an empath like me, you’ve more than likely been taken advantage of before, in one way or another. It could have been for your love, your care, your money, your reputation, your connections, or all of them. In all likelihood, you’ve been (mostly) used in your personal relationships — that tends to be the most prevalent way. That was certainly the case for me.
As beautiful a quality as empathy is, it unfortunately often comes paired with a poor, or non-existent, ability to set boundaries. We’re always trying to help; to fix things; to make things better; to make things work — and almost always feel if things go wrong, it’s our fault. The consequences can be devastating, ranging from being unhappy to serious psychological and physical issues or even life-threatening situations.
This learned, albeit very unhealthy behaviour, most likely started in your childhood. When we are young, we need our parents or caretakers to love and care for us — our very survival practically depends on it. A baby or young child cannot feed, clothe, care, protect, or financially support itself, let alone navigate the world around it in an effective way.
As Abraham Maslow, an American psychologist, theorised back in the 1940s, human beings have basic needs — physiological, safety, belonging and love, and esteem — without which there will be a deficiency in psychological health.
Chart: World Health Organisation
The tragic thing is, that most people don’t get at least some of these basic needs met as a child. And that leads to the adoption of certain beliefs and behaviours — as a survival mechanism.
Whatever the situation — whether a lack of food, safety and security, love or care — we begin to believe that we are different from others, that we are not worthy, that we are not enough. And these beliefs result in corresponding behaviours — all forms of codependency.
If we do not naturally get love and care, we take on one of four roles — the sick, the overachiever, the carer, or the rebel. We do this in order to get, or earn, our parents’ love and care.
Marisa Peer
If we get sick, we may get attention and hugs. If we achieve great things, we may get praise and recognition. If we care for others, we may get appreciation and care in return. If we rebel, we may get attention and time.
All the above tactics are based on hope. But hope is not a strategy.
Taking an objective view of relationshipsAs adults we no longer need our parents or caretakers to love and care for us anymore. Of course, it would be wonderful if they did love us, but we don’t need them to anymore.
Yet for better or worse, we carry these learned behaviours with us into adulthood, often subconsciously, and end up repeating detrimental relationship patterns. We do this because it’s the only role we’ve ever known, and often, we are not even conscious of the role we are playing.
Love is not something that is earned. You don’t work for it. You don’t chase it. You don’t beg for it or buy it. Love is an exchange. A relationship is where you give, receive, and grow, and make the best of yourself together.
Marisa Peer
And this applies to all forms of relationships — lovers, friendships, parent/child, etc.
So, when a relationship does not feel fulfilling, or worse, is downright making you miserable, are you able to take a step back and ask yourself where you’ve seen this pattern before? Do you recognise it?
When I look back at my romantic relationships, I was always trying to be perfect. I’d accommodate their needs, make sure everything was done, support them, encourage them, etc. But none of these gestures were ever really returned.
On the surface, everything looked fine to the outside world — the men were always very charming and well-liked. Behind closed doors, though, it was a different story. That’s when the gaslighting, the demeaning actions and the lying, all continued under the disguise of ‘they want what’s best for me; they are great; and they’ve done so much for me.’
When I think back to my childhood, I always felt I had to ‘earn’ love and approval. For example, I was sent to boarding school at 13. I figured out there that I was a pretty good athlete, and ended up traveling all over the country competing in numerous athletic disciplines. When I got back from a competition one day, I eagerly called my parents to tell them I had won three silver medals. The response was, “Why didn’t you get gold?” No matter what I achieved, it somehow never seemed to be enough or alternatively was simply expected of me. My feelings never seemed to hold much weight.
The ‘role’ I had subconsciously taken on was that of the overachiever. But my ‘fix’ was always temporary, because my feelings were always dependent on someone else’s approval. Still, this was a destructive behaviour pattern I carried with me for the next 30 years, because it was what I had been taught — it was all I knew.
The benefits of boundariesBeing able to set boundaries comes from a sense of self-worth. But because so many of us adopted unhealthy beliefs about ourselves as young children, our sense of self-worth never properly developed, if at all.
And yet boundaries are what make the difference between interdependent and codependent relationships.
Codependency is when one partner’s needs are put above the other, while interdependency is when both partners’ needs are equally important.
Essentially, it’s the difference between wanting someone and needing someone.
Healthy boundaries protect our sense of self. They ensure we always put our well-being first. And no, that’s not selfish. In fact, it’s just the opposite.
If we are able to ensure that we meet our needs first, then we are automatically healthier, happier, stronger, and so much more. And when we are all those things, we naturally become ‘better’ for all those around us — we’ll have more patience and understanding for our children; we’ll have more energy at work; we’ll be more loving towards our partner.
How to start setting boundariesBoundaries start and end with self-worth. Here are three simple steps that helped me on my journey towards knowing my own worth.
1. Get clarity on your values
Your values define you, what matters to you, and what’s important to you. They help you increase your self-worth because they determine what you will accept or tolerate — and what you will not. They determine the boundaries you set or don’t. They (should) determine your priorities, and, subconsciously, they’re probably how you measure if your life is turning out the way you want it to. You may think you are clear on yours, but if you were, you probably would not be reading this article.
Take some time to define your 3–5 core values. Then, as much as is possible, take an objective look at your life and evaluate if your daily actions align with those values.
Remember values are not just about how you behave towards others. They are about how you behave towards yourself.
2. Do something for your physiology every day
Our psychology affects our physiology and vice versa.
When we are ‘down in the dumps’ it’s sometimes hard to be positive or even hopeful. As such, focusing on our body can help bring us back to ourselves, something we can control, as opposed to all the external factors we cannot.
Whether it’s going for a walk, cooking and savouring a fresh and healthy meal, going to the gym or for a run or for a swim, do something beneficial for your physical health.
It will help you feel good, proud, and reconnect with yourself.
3. I am enough
This one is both the simplest and the hardest. Saying and knowing we are enough is one thing. Believing it is quite another. But you have to start somewhere.
Write down those three little words ‘I am enough’ on post-it notes and stick them in places you spend the most time so that your subconscious can begin to pick up this message.
Look in the mirror and say those words to yourself. If that is too much, just say them out loud. If that is too much, just say them in your mind. However, you can just start saying them. The mind learns by repetition.
…..
The clearer we are on our own worth and what we value, the easier it will be to spot how toxic people distort facts, language, feelings and ideas to coerce, diminish and take advantage of others. You can gain a healthy distance that makes it easier to set healthy boundaries against destructive people if you need to engage with them at all.
It took me a very long time to start living on my terms, but once I did, all the chaos, frustration, disappointment, bitterness and anger transformed into peace.
