Why We Struggle To Leave Unhealthy Relationships
What you can’t see that is keeping you caged
As originally published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life on Medium.com.
Image: Loïc Fürhoff
You know you deserve better, but don’t understand why your relationships never get better. It’s frustrating. It’s demoralising. It’s exhausting.
Our outer world is a reflection of our inner world. Ouch.
But it’s what you can’t see that is keeping you caged.
The Psychological Effects of CaptivityI remember feeling like a hamster in a wheel every time I was in a toxic relationship. I felt caged — and pretty damn hopeless.
Then I got out (for the last time) and I felt paralysed. I was so exhausted and had nothing left in the tank — emotionally, mentally, physically. I was finally free, but unable to do anything with that freedom.
At first, I thought this made me weak. However, this behaviour is very normal after captivity. It applies to the animal world too.
Let’s compare…
In many parts of the world, elephants provide a functional utility, like transportation. You provided a narcissistic supply to the toxic person.
As such, an elephant must obey its owner and not run rampant. You must also be made dependent on the narcissist so that they have a guaranteed supply source.
But an elephant is a pretty large animal, so you’d think it could easily break free and do whatever it wants, right? You are an individual who could technically do as you please, right?
But the elephant doesn’t. And nor do you.
Why?
How does an elephant owner keep an animal that is 100 times his weight and size under control? And how does a narcissist keep someone with free will under their control?
It’s because of a habit — that is formed during childhood. Both in the case of the elephant and you.
When an elephant is young and small, its owner will chain it to a large tree. The young elephant will try to break free of the chain, but because it is so small and the tree is so large, it cannot. Over time, as the elephant keeps trying to break free, it eventually learns that when it has a chain around its ankle, it cannot break free. It is constrained. Eventually, it just stops trying.
Equally, you will try to act on your free will as a child, yet your survival depends on your caregivers, so you are forced to comply.
As the elephant grows larger and stronger, it associates the chain around its ankle with a physical constraint. This is why you can see a grown 7-tonne elephant chained to a small piece of wood lodged in the ground. It won’t try to break free, even though it easily could. It is still under the impression that it cannot — that chain equals physical constraint.
As you grow into adulthood and are able to exercise your free will, you are naturally drawn back into familiar environments — because it is what you know. And the mind will always lead us to what is familiar.
It’s Not Normal, It’s ToxicThis story tells us a lot about implied limitations. And it also tells us how important mindset is.
I spent most of my life unaware of the harm my relationships were causing me. Back then, I hadn’t heard of the mind-body connection and I was unable to recognise, let alone acknowledge that my partner’s behaviour wasn’t normal. But it wasn’t. It was toxic.
And my feelings were the sirens blaring non-stop. Unfortunately, I chose to ignore them. Over and over again.
Because firstly, I believed that others’ feelings were more important than mine. And secondly, I was convinced that if the other person changed their behaviour, I would feel better.
Alas, that’s not how it works. If I wanted something different, I had to change.
I eventually learned what toxic relationships are and the devastating effects they can have on a person. Today, I can spot the red flags quickly.
But I was stuck in victim mode for a long time and it wasn’t until I learned about the law of attraction that I was able to start taking more of an objective look at my subjective self and begin shifting my energy. Because I understood that my emotions are my innate guidance system.
It’s About Progress, Not PerfectionOur outer world is a reflection of our inner world. Ouch again, when our life is not everything we want it to be.
But acknowledging this is the first step to changing.
Wherever you are on your journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
