Does Money Matter in Relationships?
And do you even know how your relationship with money is influencing your life decisions?
As originally published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life on Medium.com.
Image: francescoch on iStock
Love it or hate it, we all need money. But I believe most people don’t truly understand their relationship with it. Because it is a relationship — and it undoubtedly affects our relationships with others. But recently I’ve been contemplating how much money itself matters in relationships, and how much our relationship with it is costing us.
What Is Your Relationship With Money?I’ve spent a lot of time trying to untangle my relationship with money. Looking back it affected so many of my decisions in life — and not for the better.
As part of my journey of self-evolution, I took Ken Honda’s Money EQ course on Mindvalley. Having very successfully owned and directed several companies Ken Honda authored multiple best selling books about finance and personal development, with special attention to how to create and foster personal wealth and happiness through self-analysis.
Near the beginning of his course, there was a very simple exercise that stayed with me. The exercise went something like this:
Step 1: Open your wallet and look at the cash in it. How do you feel when you look at it? What are the first emotions that arise in you?
Step 2: Then dialogue with your money. What does it say to you?
My emotions shocked me. The very first emotion I felt when looking at my money was jealousy!
As I sat with this emotion I took note of all the stories popping into my head as a result. Here are a few of them:
The first boy I ever liked said he only liked me because I lived in a big house and had lots of money. I was 10 years old.
The first time I bought a bra my mother yelled at and scolded me for spending my parents’ money on something she felt I didn’t need yet.
The man I was engaged to told all his lovers that my valuable possessions were his own accomplishments.
In all cases, money was more important than my feelings and my needs. It was more important than me.
As I further analysed these findings, I also realised that money had always been used as a form of control in my life. And to a large extent, one’s value equated to one’s financial worth.
I concluded early on in life that money meant freedom. And so as soon as I finished university I chased money — because I never wanted to be controlled again.
And as a result, I made some very short-sighted career decisions, one in particular I regret to this day. Because I didn’t understand my relationship with money.
As abstract as step two sounded to me, I continued the exercise and attempted to dialogue with my money, it spoke to me so clearly and kindly. It said it was there to support me, not to hurt me. All it wanted was to help me.
Bizarrely, but wonderfully, I felt a sense of relief and gratitude.
Does Money Matter When Choosing a Partner?The other day I came across relationship coach Chris Perry’s recent post on Instagram about a man’s financial responsibility in a partnership and it got me thinking about money in relationships, and how much it matters — or doesn’t.
Whether consciously or not, I’ve almost always chosen partners with significantly less financial means than me.
Given what I shared earlier in this article — that the first boy I liked was only interested in my family’s wealth — you’d think I would have chosen differently.
Yet interestingly the belief that financial wealth equated to one’s worth trumped the above. I never wanted to be seen as someone who judges others for having less or behaving differently with them.
Not surprisingly, none of the relationships ended in happily ever after. Quite the opposite in fact.
All took. Some stole. All but one cheated. None made me feel safe.
And it’s taken me 43 years to be able to admit to myself that money matters to me in a romantic relationship. And that I will never date a poor man again. This post summarises why.
To some, this may sound antiquated, but it should not be confused with outdated relationship constructs.
I’m 100% in favour of female empowerment.
I grew up in a family construct where men controlled all financial means. The women not only controlled nothing but had very little to no knowledge of finance and financial management.
When my grandfather passed away my grandmother was lost. She knew how to write a cheque and that was it. My father took over most of her financial management until she passed.
My mother didn’t have a penny to her name. My father controlled it all.
To my knowledge, neither my grandmother nor my mother wanted to leave their relationship. But if they did, it would have been near impossible to do so.
These were not what I consider to be healthy dynamics in a relationship, and yet I come across them often, even today. I’ve met so many women my age who came to Switzerland for their husbands. They had nothing in their name (for various reasons, including legal restrictions), raised the kids, and then were left with nothing post-divorce.
I think it’s so important for women to have their own money, know how to manage it, and be legally savvy enough to know what marriage is — a contract.
But this doesn’t change the fact that women should feel safe enough to be able to embrace their feminine energy in a romantic relationship. Just because a woman doesn’t need a man to provide for her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t want him to. And I believe that a man who truly loves a woman will want to anyway.
A recent study by Forbes shows that the number one reason people get married is financial security.
Image: Forbes Advisor
Equally, James Sexton, a world-renowned divorce lawyer, recently shared on The Diary Of A CEO podcast that, in his experience, the two main causes of divorce are infidelity and money.
So there’s no question. Money matters in relationships.
Money in and of itself does not make anybody better or worse. It has no bearing whatsoever on one’s value as a human being.
But it does give you choices. And choices, to me, means freedom.
I believe it’s often also an indicator of qualities like ambition, courage, and responsibility — all of which I value in a partnership.
It’s OK To Want What You WantFor so long I could not admit that money mattered to me. I felt shame, guilt and even jealousy as the exercise revealed.
I don’t know if I’ve finished working through all my money issues, but I have healed my relationship with it enough to admit what I want.
And that’s OK. It’s Ok to want what we want. Whatever that is.
To have any chance of success, I believe that a healthy relationship must be based on shared values. And money will play into those values in one way, shape or form.
Wherever you are on your healing journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.