The Best Relationship Advice I Ever Got
3 ways to up-level your relationships
As originally published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life on Medium.com.
Image: francescoch on iStock
At 43, I’ve never been married, don’t have children, and am single again. But for the first time, I was able to act on the most simple and best relationship advice I ever received. To some, this may sound sad, even ridiculous, but to others who know what it’s like to be trapped in the cycle of unhappy and unhealthy relationships, this article may just be what you need to read.
…..
Almost 20 years ago I picked up a book entitled “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
At the time I was very in love with my boyfriend, yet often found myself confused and frustrated by his behaviour.
The book was so logical. It made complete sense to me back then, and yet I failed to apply it to my relationship. For better or worse, we often have blinders on when it comes to our own situations.
The book gave an answer to just about every relationship question ever asked. And the answer to EVERY question was the same: “He’s just not that into you.” Ouch.
Examples:
Q: He says he loves me but never takes me on dates anymore. Why?
A: He’s just not that into you.
Q: He says I’m his priority, but spends all his time at work and weekends away on business. Why does he do this?
A: He’s just not that into you.
Q: We keep talking about marriage and he says he wants to marry me, yet still hasn’t proposed. What’s going on?
A: He’s just not that into you.
As much as we all like to believe we’re special and that our situation is different, we’re not and it isn’t.
We like to complicate situations that are intrinsically simple. We need excuses because reality bites. But it doesn’t have to if we can remember who we really are.
I’ve been on this internal journey for the past four years and here are 3 essential lessons I’ve learned to help me do just that.
1. We Are the Creators of Our Own RealityEverything is energy. We all emit a vibrational frequency and the law of attraction ensures we attract people and situations that match our frequency.
We may think we are attracting the opposite of what we want, but if we are attracting it, it means we are a vibrational match to it.
Image: Revival Health GmbH
This realisation can be a bitter pill to swallow, because nobody thinks they want, let alone is willing to take responsibility for a bad relationship or illness or struggle of any kind.
I spent many years trauma bonded to a covert narcissist, continuously convincing myself that someday he would behave the way I knew I deserved.
But the truth was that I wasn’t behaving in the way I deserved. I wanted him to change, which was not only futile but impossible. Because none of us have any control over anyone else. The only power we have is over ourselves. If I wanted a different outcome, I had to change.
What most people struggle to acknowledge is that every hardship gives us something we long for, most often subconsciously. For example, illness can give us affection and sympathy, and a bad relationship can give us attention and purpose.
When we don’t know how to fulfil our needs in a healthy way, our vibration will ensure they are fulfilled in an unhealthy way.
Our feelings are our compass as to how we are doing vibrationally. The better we feel, the higher our vibration.
So as much as we like to focus on (or blame) other people, our vibration is fully within our control. And that’s empowering.
2. We Are the Only Parent We NeedIt’s natural to look up to our parents or caretakers. After all, as children, our survival depended on them.
But like so many situations, we often don’t see them for who they are. We see them how we are. And this can become destructive very quickly.
I idolised my father for most of my life. But this kept me from understanding and healing my own destructive patterns for far too long.
Our parents and caretakers are people, just like you and me. They are flawed and live through the lens of their upbringing and experiences which is different to ours.
When I was able to see my father for who he was, whilst devastating at first, it fundamentally changed the trajectory of my healing journey.
As children, and even often as adults, we want our parents to give us all the love, care, attention, safety, and security that we need. But they don’t and they can’t. Because they see us how they are, not for who we are.
It’s normal because, in this 3-dimensional reality, we are all imperfect. And it’s not until each of us can find our way back to our inner Being, our eternal energy, that we can understand how perfect we are.
The most valuable skill I have learnt on my journey back towards my inner Being is self-parenting.
Whenever negative emotions arise, I close my eyes and ask myself what I really need at that moment. Whatever it is, I’m here for it.
RAIN is a meditation format developed by Tara Brach, and for me, it is an incredible way to self-parent.
Image: Revival Health GmbH
RAIN is a way to awaken mindfulness and compassion, apply those sentiments to the places where we are stuck, and untangle emotional suffering. RAIN creates a space in which we can recover our full hearts and spirit.
Since practicing self-parenting I have become able to see my father for who he is as opposed to who I wished or needed him to be. This has transformed what was once a very difficult relationship for me to one I have with understanding, compassion, and love.
3. I Am EnoughAddictions, co-dependency, self-sabotage, chronic physical conditions — the list is long of problems so many of us struggle with. And they are all relationships. Everything in life is. Relationships with people, places, substances, food, environment, animals, our body, and most of all, the relationships with ourselves.
Through my personal experiences and self-development, it has become clear to me that what we perceive as problems are in reality symptoms of an underlying emotional issue — the belief that we are not enough.
This subconscious belief kept me in many unhealthy relationships and what I now accept was what prevented me from being able to take off my blinders when I first read the words “He’s just not that into you.”
When we not only understand but finally believe that we are enough, accepting that not everyone is for us becomes so much easier.
All these years later I was finally able to walk away from a relationship with ease. No chaos. No drama. No hurt.
I walked away not because he was a bad person or did anything wrong — because I believe we’re all living as best as we know how at any given moment.
I walked away because his behaviour was not what I wanted in a relationship. Because I remembered the answer to every question is “He’s just not that into you.”
I didn’t take it personally and didn’t hold it against him. We just weren’t right for each other. And that’s OK. I could let go with love because I know that I am enough.
It’s About Progress, Not PerfectionLife is about contrast. To know what we want, we must first know what we don’t want. And for better or worse, words don’t teach. Experience does.
As difficult as it is to accept on the hard days, I try to remind myself that:
Life is always working out for me.
I am my best parent.
I am enough.
As far as romantic relationships go, whenever in doubt, Denzel Washington’s “10 facts every woman needs to know” is a great reminder of the message the book I picked up 20 years ago gave me.
And just for the record, I don’t believe this message is only for women. I think it’s for everyone.
Wherever you are on your healing journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
