The Most Valuable Self-Care Tool I've Learned
You are the only parent you need
As originally published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life on Medium.com.
Image: francescoch on iStock
I’ve been on a self-evolution journey for the past four years. I’ve invested a small fortune and countless hours in therapy, books, courses, schools, seminars, retreats, trainers, trips, coaches, healers — you name it, I’ve probably tried it.
I found value in all of it, to varying degrees. But out of everything, there is one tool I found to be the most valuable of all — self-parenting. Here’s why, and how it works.
Why You Need To Know How to Self-ParentIt’s natural to look up to our parents or caretakers. After all, as children, our survival depended on them.
But like so many situations, we often don’t see them for who they are. We see them how we are. And this can become destructive very quickly.
I idolised my father for most of my life. I was also angry at my mother for a couple of decades. But this kept me from understanding and healing my own destructive patterns for far too long.
Without exception, I’ve seen a variation of this theme in all of my clients to date too. They are stuck in the past resenting and/or longing for a certain behaviour from a parent which never comes. And the impact of this perceived need is far greater than they realise.
But our parents and caretakers are people, just like you and me. They are flawed and live through the lens of their upbringing and experiences which is different to ours.
When I was able to see my parents for who they were, whilst devastating at first, it fundamentally changed the trajectory of my healing journey.
As children, and even often as adults, we want our parents to give us all the love, care, attention, safety, and security that we need. But they don’t and they can’t. Because they see us how they are, not for who we are.
It’s normal because, in this 3-dimensional reality, we are all imperfect. And it’s not until each of us can find our way back to our inner Being, our eternal energy, that we can understand how perfect we are.
And this is where self-parenting comes in.
How to Self-ParentRAIN is a meditation format developed by Tara Brach, and for me, it is a simple and wonderful way to self-parent.
Image: Revival Health GmbH
RAIN is a way to awaken mindfulness and compassion, apply those sentiments to the places where we are stuck, and untangle emotional suffering. RAIN creates a space in which we can recover our full hearts and spirit.
1. Recognise
We all react to people and situations. The gauge as to whether or not the reaction was healthy is our emotions.
If we feel good, it means we’re aligned with our inner Being. If we feel bad, it means we are not and can benefit from self-parenting at that moment.
The first step in the RAIN process is to recognise the negative emotion.
For example, a while back I was walking my dog and passed a woman on a narrow walkway. She called me a bitch for passing her and I lost it. My heart raced, my blood boiled and I started yelling at her.
Logically I knew that her reaction had nothing to do with me. She knew nothing about me, but obviously I triggered something in her, just like she triggered something in me.
Once I removed myself from the situation I took a deep breath and recognised my negative emotions in that moment — anger, frustration, sadness and rage.
2. Acknowledge
The second step to RAIN is to acknowledge the emotions we feel, without judgement.
Just as a child would want a parent to acknowledge their pain in the moment, we acknowledge our own pain with love and care.
I sat there silently acknowledging all the negativity I was feeling and telling myself it was OK. These emotions are there for a reason and it’s alright that I am feeling all of them.
3. Investigate
The third step in the RAIN process is to understand why these emotions are present and, more importantly, identify what it is that we really need in that moment.
In the same way, a child would run to its parents looking for attention and concern after it has been hurt, we give this to ourselves.
Questions to ask might include:
What am I believing about myself or another person or life in this moment?
Is it that something bad is going to happen or that someone doesn’t respect me or that I am failing?
How are these beliefs making me feel?
How is my body responding to these beliefs? What is my posture like, my facial expression, my breathing?
What part of me feels most vulnerable in this moment?
What is it that I truly need at this moment — a hug, compassion, reassurance, kindness, forgiveness?
When I asked myself these questions at that moment I realised I didn’t feel safe. I felt attacked, disrespected, worthless. And what I really needed was reassurance, validation, and love.
4. Nurture
The final part of the RAIN process is to nurture the wounded part of us, in the same way a child would want its parents to make them feel better.
As I sat there with my dog I began an internal dialogue, telling myself I was safe.
There was no imminent danger. It was daylight. There were people around. I could call for help if necessary. My dog was with me and would protect me if anyone tried to harm me.
I reassured myself that I am worthy of respect. In my mind, I hugged my inner child and told her how wonderful she is and how much I love her. On the outside, I hugged my dog who gave me lots of kisses and love.
Relationships Are Meant To EvolveWe never grow out of needing love and care. We’re not meant to.
But how we fulfil these needs changes.
Image: Alexander Milov
As children, we need our parents’ love and care. But as adults, we don’t.
Of course, it’s wonderful if we have it. But we don’t need it. Our survival no longer depends on it.
Relationships are meant to evolve. It’s how we evolve. And the most important relationship we will ever have is the one we have with ourselves.
Self-parenting supports this. Practising it can help us transition from child to adult, no matter how old we are. It can help us let go of desires we expected and still expect others to fulfil. It helps us take responsibility for our emotions, and therefore our behaviour.
Today I can look back and see my parents for who they were as opposed to who I wished or needed them to be. This has transformed what was once a very difficult relationship for me with my father into one with understanding, compassion, and love.
Wherever you are on your healing journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
