The Real Reason You Want a Relationship
It’s not the other person…
As originally published in Change Your Mind Change Your Life on Medium.com.
We often believe that finding the right partner will make us feel complete — that we will feel love, happiness, and fulfilment as soon as we find them. But what if the real reason we seek relationships isn’t about the other person at all? What if, deep down, we’re searching for something within ourselves? This article explores the truth behind our desire for love and how shifting our focus inward can lead to the fulfilment we crave.
The Illusion of Missing LoveLove. We are all born with it. Because it is the very essence of who we are.
But somewhere along the way, it feels like we’ve lost it. And so begins our quest of searching, of longing, for something outside of us to make us feel whole again.
But as anyone who has done any inner work at all will come to realise, nothing outside of ourselves can make us feel whole.
Because we are not, and never were, incomplete.
The love we felt at birth never left. It cannot leave — because it is the source energy of everything that exists.
Still, even when we understand this, we continue seeking a soulmate. But why?
The Truth About Romantic RelationshipsWhy do we want to find a soul mate? Because of how we believe it will make us feel.
And in that sentence lies the truth of romantic relationships.
We don’t fall in love with the other person — we fall in love with who we are when we’re with them.
I’ve come to realise that at our core, it is not another person we long for. It is a better version of ourselves that we truly crave.
A version that is happy, healthy, valued, cared for, respected, adored, strong, supported, and so much more.
We want to be the best of ourselves. To self-actualise.
So how do we do that?
Do You Really Need to Love Yourself First?A common self-help belief says, “You must love yourself before anyone else can love you.” I disagree.
I believe that others can absolutely love us, no matter how we feel about ourselves. But that’s not the point. The goal isn’t to get someone to love us — it’s to feel the way we want to feel.
I have also heard many people say, and said it plenty myself, that they want a partner, but don’t need one, somehow believing this means they are not trying to fill a void.
But now I disagree with that too, at least to a certain extent. Because the moment we want something, we are also acknowledging its absence.
That’s not a bad thing — but it does highlight an important truth:
Only a relationship can reveal to us where we are in relation to the best version of ourselves.
Relationships Are a MirrorThe other person reflects our inner beliefs and energy. We attract who we think we are. Because we attract a reality that is a vibrational match to ourselves. Always. It’s the universal laws of vibration and attraction.
The law of vibration, also known as the law of energy, states that everything in the universe vibrates at its own frequency. Energy is. It cannot be created or destroyed.
The law of attraction states that that which is likened to itself is drawn.
If you’re afraid of being abandoned, you will attract someone who will abandon you.
If you’re afraid of being cheated on, you will attract someone who will cheat on you.
If you’re afraid of being taken advantage of financially, you will attract someone who will take advantage of you financially.
Because in all cases, it’s a vibrational match.
And our thoughts control our vibration. Where we place our attention, we place our energy.
For example, you would only fear being cheated on if you thought you were unworthy of loyalty.
Consciously, you may think otherwise, but 95% of who we are is a set of memorised behaviours, emotional reactions, beliefs, perceptions, and attitudes that function like a subconscious computer program below our conscious awareness.
Saying you are worthy, lovable or enough is not the same as believing it.
Our Reactions Reveal Our Inner WorldHow we react and respond to another in a relationship provides us valuable information about ourselves.
Because it’s not the events that happen to us that matter; it’s the meaning we give to them. It’s the stories we tell ourselves and others.
Our feelings are our built-in compass, constantly informing us of how far off we are from that version of ourselves we so desperately long to be.
It is only in a relationship that we will know how close to that version we are.
If you’re cheated on, will you blame them? Make excuses for them? Seek revenge? Ignore it? Fight to keep them? Forgive? Stay? Go? You don’t know until you’re confronted with the situation.
So where does all this knowledge leave us?
The Choice Is OursIt leaves us with the fact that what we long for is a better version of ourselves. And a choice.
A choice to be that person now.
Feelings are a choice. Focus is a choice.
You want a relationship to feel happy, healthy, valued, cared for, respected, adored, supported, and so much more.
So, choose to feel happy now. Choose healthy habits now. Choose to value yourself. Choose to self-care. Choose to respect yourself. Choose to adore yourself. Make choices that support who you want to be now.
With great responsibility comes great power. When we take responsibility for how we feel and what we focus on, we have the power to make things better, to be better.
Wherever you are on your journey, always remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH.
